Reporter: rob6264
Scientist(s): rob6264, Rhoads, Comprox
Date: 1/10/03

Experiment Conducted:

Typically, I’m not that much of a history buff. But when something in history gives me an idea to improve our chances of killing aliens, I get very interested. In one such case, I became wholly obsessed with a late twentieth century practice of injecting Nitrous Oxide into a vehicle's fuel line to boost the oxygen content in the combustion chamber. After some thought, I thought this might be a valid way to produce even faster firing rates for TSA weapons.

I hurriedly approached Corporal McDougal with the idea. He scanned the rough scratches on my “Hooters” napkin and looked at me, “But, Rob, we use GUNPOWDER. Gunpowder you idiot! You can’t inject NOS into a shell casing!”

He must have realized the fatality of his words when he saw the horrified look on my face. He must have known that I was right and it just took him awhile to figure it out. He then straightened his face and continued, “Alright, fine. I’ll get you a canister and an HMG…”

I thanked him and went to draw up plans for my new weapon. In the end, my design involved injecting the N2O into the chamber just after the firing pin impacted, thus giving the propellant flames more oxygen. Not only would the weapon fire faster, but the rounds would leave the barrel with a much higher velocity! I was a freakin’ genius!

When my supplies arrived, I went to Rhoads with the proposal. He looked at it and laughed, “Like hell I’m gonna help with this one…”

I threatened to pull rank and he finally agreed after of slugging me with a well placed right hook. Comprox was easily swayed, however. In fact, the moment I mentioned Nitrous Oxide, his face lit up and he practically begged me to let him be the one to test it. I heartily agreed (it meant that he would be the one facing the aliens – not me).

Modifying the HMG proved to be more treacherous than first thought. Not only did the duel barrels prove to be a problem and the ejection system hinder our progress, but I had to constantly back hand Comprox away from the canister of N2O. He kept opening the valve and putting his mouth over the nozzle, in spite of the warning clearly printed on it. I don’t think I’ll ever know why he was doing that…

Anyway, after fitting with the rifle for a while, we got the injection tubes in and mounted the canister on top of the magazine. The whole addition only added 35 pounds to the weapon, a magnificent achievement I think.

TSA forces had just landed at Hera, so we had a perfect place to test our new weapon. As we walked through the Marine base, I saw them looking us over, a true sign of respect. These men knew we may just save their lives in the field, and they were happy to have us among them.

As we road the elevator up to Reception, Comprox again tried to inhale the contents of the canister. I quickly stopped him. Once at our destination, Rhoads and I set up in the control booth and watched Comprox stand in the middle of the room, waiting for the first alien to show up.

As luck would have it, the first alien was an Onos. I thought it was great that our weapon could now be put to the ultimate test. Comprox didn’t seem as pleased; he looked back at me, “Uh?”

I told him to shoot the damn thing. He pulled the trigger, and the rifle fired it’s first round. However, the top barrel exploded, and the bottom soon after it fired it’s first shot. We believe this was caused by a miss-calibration in the amount of N2O to inject. In any case, the canister flew high into the air, the Onos only stunned. As the gas settled, Comprox laughed manically and fell onto his back. The Onos cocked its head sideways and chuckled. Then fell directly onto its side and started to wheeze, which Rhoads offered was a belly laugh. I never knew aliens could laugh like that…I wonder what caused it?

Rhoads further offered that they were both stoned. I have yet to understand that reference. In any case, although the primary purpose of this experiment failed, it showed a definite potential for a new weapon based entirely on N2O gas expansion. I will conduct further research into the exact reason why Nitrous Oxide has this effect on both humans and aliens and report at a later date.

1 - Rhoads [1/20/03]: My God. I haven't seen something so big and ugly get so wasted since the last death metal concert I went to. And that Onos looked pretty stoned, too. But I have to say, I am certain that further research into this will probably lead to good results -- I expect that we'll improve the HMG's rate of fire to the point that all 150 bullets of the clip can be fired simultaneously. Wait, that would be really pointless. I guess that's the kind of thing you come up with when you're high on laughing gas.