Reporter: Comprox
Scientist(s): Comprox, Ken20Banks, MonsE, rob6264, Grendel
Date: 11/13/02

Freelance Report:

Me and a couple of my pals were huddled around a crate on the Hera outpost, celebrating with the bottle of vodka ken20banks had smuggled in with his fresh uniform. We passed it around, taking a large swig or two each, having a grand old time! We were just getting into a rousing song of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" with each of them trying to dance the most erratic to it, when we heard a slow clicking sound. A skulk tensely crawled into the room, looking around seemingly lost.

We all quickly silenced ourselves and crouched behind the box, snickering. Ken20banks couldn't seem to stop giggling like a schoolgirl every time the skulk looked towards us and then away. MonsE, the most drunk of the group, groggily suggested we should capture the lost skulk, who had obviously fallen asleep in some vent during the heat of battle. Again, Ken20banks found this insanely funny and burst out laughing this time. The skulk finally caught on that something was behind that crate and wandered over.

I swung the empty bottle and smashed it over the skulk's head, knocking it out cold; bringing a round of cheers from my squad mates. Rob6264, the most sober of us was able to tie the "poor" thing up with some wire laying around after a few attempts burdened by Ken20banks pretending to stick his head in the skulks mouth and show how brave he was.

In true Ken20banks style, he suggested we see how many times the bugger could be thrown off the command platform and live. Being drunk and naturally quite stupid, We all agreed to such a grand idea and lugged the limp body over to the elevator. Reaching the top, we had to smash out the window. A combination of head butting, skulk batting and drunk kicks that hit each other more than the window, we cracked a large piece off.

The 4 of us hauled the skulk over to the edge, I hailed this the Death-Defying skulk and we all gave a great UGH and the skulk dropped like a sleeping baby over the edge. We all leaned way over to enjoy the show. The skulk smacked the ground, let out a squeal and tried to break free of the knots. Seeing that it might get lose, MonsE in his drunken state leaped off the ledge and nearly broke his leg when he landed on the skulk. Groaning and limping around, MonsE hobbled off to reception where the nurse was stationed.

The rest of us headed smartly back down the elevator and dragged the knocked out skulk (By MonsE's knee) back onto the elevator and up top. We pushed the sucker over the ledge again and we heard a loud crack when it landed. Excited, we rushed back down and moved the skulk around, looking for something that could have broken. Underneath we found pieces of the bottle, which the skulk had crushed even more. Upon more examination, the skulk seemed to be asleep! Asleep! And intact!

Getting annoyed, we dragged him up again and decided a good throw was needed, not just pushing it off the edge. I smashed out more of the window and we all stood on the ledge and hauled the skulk onto our shoulders. On the count of 3 we threw it… and rob6264. His back gave out at the last second, and he slipped off the ledge with the skulk as deadweight coming behind him. THWACK, rob6264 lay unconscious on the floor with a skulk sprawled over his body. I pulled out a flask and dumped some water on him, trying to revive him. He didn't move, and in our state, ken20banks and I really didn't seem to care much. We hauled that damn skulk up again, determined to make it hurt this time!

Now drunk, pissed guys, make a lethal combination so Ken20banks strapped a mine to the skulks back and we heaved it over the ledge again, hoping the mine would hit the ground and finish the job. All that happened was the skulk landed on his side and activated the mine, cutting a line across the floor and ending at the bottom of the elevator. The skulk lay beside rob6264 and we somehow clearly thought that if we set off that mine, our friend would die. The elevator being the only way down… ken20banks pulled out another small flask and we drank away the night until we passed out.

The next morning, feeling a little sober, I remembered what my Platoon leader had told me: "A skulk doesn't take falling damage, remember that fact well men!" When my commander, the biggest, meanest, killing machine, Grendel, found out, I got a promotion…to lab tester (sometimes called the janitor of research). This is my first lab, even though it was tested in… extraordinary conditions.

Signing Off: Comprox